Setting Healthy Boundaries- the Antidote to Guilt
Setting boundaries is an ongoing reality in parenting. Sometimes we’re not even sure what our boundaries are, until our children force us to look at them. But what happens when we stumble, when our intentions become entangled, and the actions intended to empower our children inadvertently sow the seeds of doubt?
Recently I found myself saying yes to my daughter when I actually meant no. I said yes with a huff and a sigh as I thought of the adjustments I needed to make in order to accommodate her request. My daughter notices and so she says ‘it’s ok Mum we don’t have to’. My simple yes had become a loaded one. She was disowning her own needs in order to self regulate, to keep the peace and not deal with her own internal guilt and discomfort at making me unhappy. Here’s my child taking responsibility for my internal narrative.
Toxic Guilt
I’m perpetuating the toxic guilt cycle - AGAIN! I thought I had moved on from that. And yet I had inadvertently projected my own inner dialogue onto my daughter, making her feel guilty for voicing her needs. The very thing I sought to avoid, being the 'bad guy,' had emerged like a shadow, causing friction in an otherwise mundane interaction.
The Solution - Authenticity and Healthy Boundaries
So I caught myself in the moment and said to her, ‘you know what, I handled that badly and now you feel guilty for wanting what you want. So, I’m going to say that you can have it the way you want it and if it gets to a point that I can’t handle it anymore we’ll change it back. How does that sound? “ She was happy, the guilt was lifted and I had fixed a toxic situation.
Thankfully, that moment of clarity allowed me to course-correct and take responsibility for my actions. I engaged in an honest conversation with my daughter, sharing my realisation and offering a genuine solution. And once the shared weight of guilt had lifted, we were able to reconnect from a place of authenticity.
Growth: A Journey
Growth is a journey. The more we pay attention to our behaviours the more often we can notice when they’re not aligned with our integrity. Sometimes we catch them and sometimes they slip through the net, and that’s ok. Every day is a new opportunity to rewrite the script.
As parents, it's crucial to remember that our growth benefits not only ourselves but also the little souls entrusted to our care. By navigating our own inner healing and making conscious choices, we model the path of self-awareness and accountability for our children. Compassion and self-acceptance become integral to the process, allowing us to acknowledge our imperfections while embracing the opportunities to do better.
Each Interaction is an Opportunity to do Better
Parenting is a delicate balance of setting boundaries and nurturing our own growth. Each interaction is an opportunity to learn, and evolve. Ultimately, parenting is not about striving for perfection but the commitment to self-awareness, allowing us to foster connections built on understanding, empathy, and authenticity.
Setting boundaries doesn’t come easily when we have been raised in a home without any. Its difficult to ask for what we want. Have compassion for yourself as you heal, and trust that right now you are exactly where you are meant to be.
Much love,
Lynsey
p.s. If you would like help with your own healing, or support as you learn to develop your own healthy boundaries, check out my Online Healing Programs below: